Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

#46: The Forever Cloud of Grief: No Matter How Brilliant My Life Becomes Again, Sam is Still Dead

One of the harshest realities I have had to face since losing Sam is that I live under the glass ceiling of grief now.   My best days and most fantastic experiences will never be as purely joyful as they used to be.   They start that way and my excitement is real,  but the joy I feel is forever anchored in the sorrow of Sam's absence.   This is part of losing a child.   I believe that it is a grief that we do not overcome, we can only learn to manage, within the confines of our own life and personality.   
I live big and I grieve hard.  Ironically, the two inexplicably show up together frequently, creating huge confusing emotions of gratitude for life and profound grief at the same time, and this is what today's episode is about.💕

#45: Anger: I Am Not Angry at Sam For Being Sick, Just the Two "Peace Officers" that Allowed Him to Freeze to Death

In my opinion, any emotion we carry after losing a Son or a daughter is valid.  I know that anger is a common emotion after losing a kid to addiction because there is so much chaos and disbelief that we could not save them, but I have never felt angry towards Sam, just fear that I would lose him.
In this episode, I discuss why I am not angry at Sam, how much I identify with him, and why I think the cops that arrested him that night could have done a better job than to drop him off at the train station with no shoes or warm clothes on a sub-zero night.    As a society, we have to be better than this.    If either cop had known Sam or had true compassion, things could have turned out differently.  
I live with so much confusion and pain but I don't blame Sam, I blame the perfect storm that became his life and took him from me.   I have lots of unanswered questions,  no gains from figuring them out, and this is another stifling and tragic part of losing him to addiction.

#44: How Grief is Helping Me Let Go of Trying to Be Pefect

One of the emotions I have always struggled with is the shame.   I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and when they happened, I would always try to explain, excuse, and then use super human strength to rectify my wrongs.    I could not bear the thought of people thinking poorly of me for being irresponsible and not getting things done.   Being the black sheep of a highly functioning family, It is a struggle I have lived with forever. 
In this episode, I discuss a mistake I recently made, the shame it brought me, and how I was able to help me accept and my human imperfection and give myself grace to move forward.
We don't have to lose a child to face the harsh consequences of the need to be perfect but sometimes it takes something like this to remind us that we are here to connect and to love, not to convince the world that we live a perfect life. 

#43: Committing to Running Again After Sam's Death: How I Started, 3 Immediate Benefits, and 3 Tips to Starting Our Interests/Sports/Hobbies Again During Grief

Running was an activity I could always count on before Sam died.  For nearly 40 years, I had run through anxiety, depression, stress, and most other difficult times.   It had always provided me with solace, energy, adventure, and a clear mind.
After Sam died, I could not run.   I would have expected it to be something that would help me and instead, I was terrified of it.   Starting over, the heavy breathing, the facing of life on the trail.   All of it.   I could not do it.
A few weeks ago, however, I decided to start again.  In this episode, I discuss why and how I have begun the process of starting over again, 3 benefits I have received in 2 short weeks, and 3 suggestions for starting back up with a passion, hobby, interest, or sport after losing a son or daughter. 
 
 

#42 Navigating Sam's Death Alone: Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of Being Divorced (Single) During This Grief

Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent will ever go through and navigating it as a couple most certainly places tremendous strain on a relationship.   I have been divorced for many years and was not in a relationship when Sam died.   
In this episode, I discuss some of the potential benefits and drawbacks in dealing with Sam's death without a partner and why being alone during this time, (while sounding lonely and frightening),  has worked for me.

#41: Living With Knowing That Life Can Change in an Instant: Managing Our Fear After Losing a Child

When we lose a child, we are confronted with how dark and tragic life can become in one moment of time, because we have lived through it.   The rest of the world knows this too, intellectually, but now that we have gone through the worst, it's hard to trust life again.    The fear of another phone call or knock on the door can be stifling.   
It's important to acknowledge and manage our fear of what lies ahead and also stand strong in our resilience at the same time and that is what today's episode is about.  

#40: Why and How We Need to Identify Our Tiggers and How Confronting Them Helps Us Heal Our Grief

In this Episode I discuss why it's important to indentify our triggers,  the really simple way to do so,  and how to use this knowledge to help us in our grief.    
When we acknowledge that our triggers are very potent and continuously have to be monitored as we heal, we can tap into the power of calling them out as we grow stronger over time.
Thanks for listening.

#39: A Tough Week: Mother's Day, Sam's Birthday and 2 1/2 Years Since His Death

This past week was a tough one for me.   Mother's Day, Sam's 26th birthday, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death.   
Unfortunately, we can't reset the clock when we lose a son or daughter.   We can't change the dates or the circumstances, and we can't avoid dealing with difficult reminders such as birthdays, the date of their death, and other celebrations such as Mother's and Father's day.   
In this  episode, I discuss my feelings about the week, my gratitude for Mother's Day,  and how I unconsciously tried to avoid thinking about the things that were bothering me until I was forced to, if only to release this episode.   
Thanks for listening.

#38 Words Matter: 5 Well Intended Phrases That Hurt When I Lost Sam and What Did Help the Most During That Time

Losing a child not only destroys our own world but it's very upsetting to those who love and care about us as well.   They often try to say and do things to help us out of our blinding pain.  To this day, I have so much appreciation for everyone who showed up for me and my family when Sam died.   I also understand that as humans, we show up for the people we love in the best way we know how. 
Unfortunately, there is very little people can say to help us during this time and sometimes, they end up saying things that are actually hurtful.   
When Sam died, there were things said to me didn't make sense or feel good to hear, even though delivered in good faith and with love, and that is what this episode is about.   
Today, I discuss 5 things that were said to me, each at least a couple of times when Sam died, and why they didn't feel helpful.  I also talk about a few of the ways that people showed up for me that did help very much.   
Thank you for listening.

Evolutions In Grief: 6 Ways That My Grief Has Evolved Since Losing Sam

I feel better than I have in nearly 2 1/2 years.   It's almost difficult to admit because I know I could easily step into another grief crevasse when I least expect it.    However,  it's very clear to me, at this point, that I will be okay.  In spite of the agony I feel on a daily basis, I am also aware how far I have come. 
In today's episode, I discuss 6 ways that I have seen my grief evolve and transform since Sam's death and why I think it's important that we acknowledge and appreciate our growth.