Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

Watching other Parent's grieve a lost child is even more painful after losing my own.  This episode is a reflection of the beginning and also a discussion of what helped me in the beginning and an acknowledgement of how my own life has changed.  
Unfortunately, I had some recording errors and had to republish this episode, no intro on this one!  Thank you for listening.  

I have found that I haven't known what is going to help me move forward in my grief until it does.   Much of my healing comes in retrospect:  This worked, that didn't, and so on.   
Six months before Sam died, he broke into my home by smashing out one of my windows and crawling through.    I put a piece of styrofoam in that window and kept it that way for nearly 4 years.   Something held me back from fixing it.   I chided myself for being lazy and procrastinating, but I just wasn't ready.  
This past week, I finally had it replaced and I learned more about what was holding me back and how fixing it is helping me move forward.   
I don't intend to let go of any part of Sam's story, every single moment was part of his experience.  However,  I now understand how I am able let some of my darkest moments become smaller by taking steps forward in my own life.💕

Today's Episode is about gratitude because I think it is the defining emotion of my healing.  Finding gratitude outside of our grief helps us to and shift our mind into a different perspective.
I will NEVER feel gratitude about the death of my son but I will ALWAYS seek to find it in other areas of my life and let it help lift me out of despair.  
Today, I will go over a few of the well known benefits to feeling grateful, briefly discuss why these benefits occur, some simple ways to tap into the emotion of gratitude, and I will also give my own perspective as to why gratitude is so powerful in moving forward in life.💕

After taking a couple of months off podcasting, I have realized that I am at a critical junction in healing from Sam's death.    I now want to focus more on healing and what I learned from Sam's life than the tragedy of his death.   
This is a huge mountain to climb but after more than 3 years in grief, it's clear to me that when we lose a son or daughter, it's easy to get locked in on a life gone too soon and sometimes, the joy they brought us can get lost in our grief.   This has been my experience and I think it is a normal part of this kind of loss but now it is time to take another step forward and that is what today's episode is about.💕

Sam's body was discovered on November 13th, 2022, and his funeral was on the 20th.    The anniversary of losing a child never gets easier.   The trauma lives in our bodies.   
In today's episode, I share memories and thoughts from that impossible week, my struggle with grieving alone,  and my heartfelt decision to bring a 4-legged companion back into my life.
The triggers and grief of losing a child are profound, relentless, and never ending.   When I lost my beautiful standard pup Luna 14 months ago, I felt the bottom drop out of my world again.   She had been my constant companion and support, she was even by my side at Sam's funeral.   
I am grateful that I have taken an enormous step toward healing by allowing myself to love another dog. 💕 

As I struggle with the upcoming 3rd anniversary of Sam's death, I am trying to stay grounded by remembering how difficult the end of his life was.   The only time I ever felt "safe" from potential bad news was when I was out of cell phone reception.   It felt normal at the time but it was far from it. 
Sam didn't leave a good life behind, he left pain, suffering, anxiety, and a crippling addiction that he could not see his way out of.  He had given up. As his mom,  even in my deepest grief,  I can't wish he were back in such agony.   
Sometimes it's important to be realistic.   I lost a wonderful son who had become incapacitated by the same drugs that are causing a worldwide epidemic.    

The anniversary of losing a child is so much more than just a date.  It involves too much familiarity with everything about the season,  recognizing the before and after, and the vulnerability of life.    One minute our children were here, the next they were gone.   Often, as time goes on,  we learn to partially escape the excruciating daily pain with the changes of seasons and activities, but only until our season comes back around.   And it always does.
This episode is about dealing with the upcoming 3rd anniversary of Sam's death.    My thoughts, feelings, and how I am trying to support myself through this time of year.   
 

I am just crawling back out of one of my darkest times.   We are nearing the 3rd anniversary of Sam's death and my heart felt unbearably heavy and sad.   It felt like it was almost time to give up and succumb to a loss I cannot change.   To lie in bed and ruminate my days away again.   But, then I realized that while I can't bring Sam back, it will always be up to me to find my way back into the light.    I think this is true in all areas of life.  Ultimately, we have to learn to depend on ourselves.    
It's easy to get stuck in the rut of pain because we are creatures of habit and tend to fall back into the same grooves every day.    If we take in the same ideas and allow ourselves to become stale in our daily activities, we stay stuck.   Our brain cannot override what our body and mind are succumbing to.   
To effect change and move forward, we have to be willing to change our forcus and behavior, even in the smallest ways.    It starts with the content we allow into our lives and how we choose to spend our time.    Same in, same out.   If we want different outcomes, we need to plant new seeds.❤️
In today's episode, I discuss my decision to feel better after falling back into a dark and oppressive state of mind and the steps I took to do so.
 

Sam told me he would never forgive me for turning him in when he robbed a bank but I was positive he would.    I knew that as soon as he got sober, he would understand that I did what I had to save his life.   I wish I could say that I was successful, but he died first.   
This episode is about living with unresoved conflict when we lose a son or daughter to addiction.    
When we no longer have the opportunity to work through these struggles in realtime with our child, it's important that we use common sense to resolve them within ourselves.💕

Gratitude is most important during the times it's the hardest to feel. such as during great loss and tragedy.   However, finding gratitude for what we once had, and what we still have now, is a scientifically proven tp create a profound difference in our life by the simple act of shifting our focus.     
In this episode, I talk about why gratitude is important, how it has helped me in my grief, 3 specific reasons it's important, and 2 ways to tap into a gratitude practice of your own.
Gratitude doesn't diminish our grief or our child's death,  it simply means that we are choosing to look through a lense that not only honors our loss, but also acknowledges what we still have to be thankful for.
We aren't seeking to replace our grief with our gratitude, but rather to support it.💕