Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

Anniversaries bring big feelings and now,  two years since Sam's death, I have found myself falling back into old patterns of avoidance.   
This time, however, I am finding my stress and anxiety lie more in my avoidance tactics and how they are impacting my life than in facing and dealing with the same pain I have lived with for two years now.  
In this episode, I discuss two of my biggest negative coping mechanisms,  over-sleeping and constant podcasts listening, are impacting the quality my life, and why I am finding that looking directly at my grief is more healthy and at this point, and even easier, than avoiding it.  
 

In today's episode, I discuss how grief makes me feel disconnected in my own life and why podcasting has been a natural and helpful fit for me in moving forward.
I love to talk about the importance of moving forward with our healing but often, I don't feel nearly as inspired as I sound.    It doesn't feel natural to try to heal from losing a child and at times I feel like an imposture with a microphone for even suggesting it,  like I am trying to convince the world to heal in a way that feels impossible for me to do myself.     
The truth is, the number one reason I even have a podcast is not because Sam died, it's because I am a talker with more to say than friends and family to listen.   The second reason I have a podcast is because talking through this tragedy is the only way I know to get through it.   
I am not necessarily further along or stronger than anyone else listening here but I do know what I need to move forward.   Honest and open conversation and a place to talk about my experience.   Thank you for stopping by. 

The last weekend I spent with Sam was two years ago, just two weeks before his body was discovered in a field.  I keep thinking about how I should have been able to use that weekend to make a difference in his life.  
In this episode, I discuss how the memories of our last time together cause me to ruminate on unhelpful thoughts and why I believe that the anniversary of last communications with a deceased one feel so vulnerable.   
I will also talk about 6 ideas, based on facts and realities,  that I try to come back to as I keep myself in check and also support myself during this time.
I would like to think that one day should not have power over another but  consciously and unconsciously, these anniversaries can be very challenging to get through.    

We don't often talk about how scary the idea of healing from the loss of a child can feel.   It feels wrong to accept the impossible and like a betrayal towards our son or daughter if we even conceive of a life after them.   One of the hardest task a bereaved parent will ever be tasked with is the decision to keep living.
 
In this episode, I discuss my own difficult feelings towards healing after Sam's death, why it feels so scary, and how the past two years have changed my perspective regarding the connection I continue to have with my son to this day. 
 
Thank you for stopping by.

After losing Sam, I often struggle with apathy in daily life.    The question is, how can I wake up each day excited and motivated to get the most out of life?    How can I use this motivation to jump out of bed and start my day?
The answer is, I can't.   My brain doesn't work that way.    What does register and send a chill down my spine, however,  is the idea of getting to the end of my life with the realization that I never fully lived again after Sam died.    A catastrophic two for one loss.   One overdose, two deaths, Sam's and mine.     A regret that would be too late for me to undo.    
In this brief episode, I discuss how I want to look back on myself, as a much older woman,  and why I think this can be an important part of our healing.    

One of the hardest parts about losing a son or daughter is that we also lose parts of ourselves.   I thought that the mountains would help heal me when Sam died and instead, I only occasionally have had the energy to drive up there and step on a trail. 
Hiking and running went from something I craved to something I didn't have to energy to even think about.    I began to feel like I would never enjoy the mountains again, a place I had considered a home away from home for years.   
Just recently,  however, I noticed that instead of fighting myself to keep going, as I had for the past 18 months, I was enjoying myself again.    I didn't see it coming but suddenly I felt the joy of being up there again.
In today's episode, I talk about the 5 choices that I have made while grieving for Sam that have helped me reconnect with this part of myself and also why I think it is so important that each of us work through our loss in a way that is authentic to us.   
Grief doesn't work on a time line or in a linear fashion but we each have an internal energy and knowing of what we need during this time.   I want to encourage each of us to use this knowledge courageously because I have found that it's helping me reclaim parts of myself that I thought were gone forever.
I am not a counselor or a doctor or here to give advice.  I am a grieving mom, here to share my experience and what is helping me through this grief.    Thank you for stopping by. 

Sam died 18 months ago and there is a lot of information that I don't have regarding his death.   Most of it I haven't even tried to find out.     I still haven't even visited the place he died.   
I feel guilty that I don't know everything but it feels like the information might be too painful to accept.   And, nothing will change the fact that Sam is gone. 
Losing a son or daughter to addiction usually means that we have to accept very uncomfortable truths about them dying this way.    In this episode,  I share some of the questions I still have regarding Sam's death,  why I haven't asked, and why I may never find out the answers.  

In today's episode,  we discuss the science of how our brain operates when we lose someone we are very close to, based on the book "The Grieving Brain" (The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss), by Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD.  https://maryfrancesoconnor.org/book
We tend to believe that grief rests in our feelings and emotions but the truth is, our brain has a lot to do with our angst because of the processes it has developed through evolutionary needs.   Our brain literally needs to re-learn how to live without the person we love so much.
In this episode, we are going through the first chapter, where we learn about virtual reality brain maps, why they exist, and how part of our grieving process is actually about learning how to rewire these brain maps and giving ourselves the time to do so.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist and I am not here to offer advice but to share my story of losing my son to addiction and trying to move forward in life again.   

I have never been a perfect mom but the guilt I have felt over Sam's death has been relentless and I know that I am not alone.    Parents like me are left with endless tragic questions that will never be answered.   Most importantly, what decisions could I have made differently?
In today's episode, I discuss how losing a son or daughter to addiction isn't a reflection of bad parenting but often a cumulation of many factors including brain chemistry, ease of access, and the times we live in. 
It's important to recognize that losing our son or daughter doesn't mean that we failed and also to remember the many things we did right and how much we loved them and tried to save them.   
We can't change what happened but we can and should give ourselves the grace to recognize that our kids' addiction was not all about us.
As always, I will also remind us all of 3 simple but very effective ways to lift ourselves up on a daily basis and the limerick I have written for Sam this week.
 
 

Every parent who loses a son or daughter to addiction is left with many more questions than answers.   For me, different questions haunt me at different stages.   Today, I talk about 4 that are heavy on my heart right now and why.
Also, I discuss why I believe that it is important to experience grief at it's fullest in a systematic way.    The temptation to avoid the hardest thoughts and discussions can be high but healing doesn't work that way.   It's like a video game, we can't skip levels, even the ones we can hardly stand to experience.
At the end of this episode, as always, I leave you with 3 simple but very effective ways that we can all feel better each day, as well as the limerick that I have written for Sam this week.
I am not a medical professional or a counselor, I am a grieving mom, here to share my story and the ways I am using to move forward on a daily basis.