Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

One of the emotions I have always struggled with is the shame.   I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and when they happened, I would always try to explain, excuse, and then use super human strength to rectify my wrongs.    I could not bear the thought of people thinking poorly of me for being irresponsible and not getting things done.   Being the black sheep of a highly functioning family, It is a struggle I have lived with forever. 
In this episode, I discuss a mistake I recently made, the shame it brought me, and how I was able to help me accept and my human imperfection and give myself grace to move forward.
We don't have to lose a child to face the harsh consequences of the need to be perfect but sometimes it takes something like this to remind us that we are here to connect and to love, not to convince the world that we live a perfect life. 

Running was an activity I could always count on before Sam died.  For nearly 40 years, I had run through anxiety, depression, stress, and most other difficult times.   It had always provided me with solace, energy, adventure, and a clear mind.
After Sam died, I could not run.   I would have expected it to be something that would help me and instead, I was terrified of it.   Starting over, the heavy breathing, the facing of life on the trail.   All of it.   I could not do it.
A few weeks ago, however, I decided to start again.  In this episode, I discuss why and how I have begun the process of starting over again, 3 benefits I have received in 2 short weeks, and 3 suggestions for starting back up with a passion, hobby, interest, or sport after losing a son or daughter. 
 
 

Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent will ever go through and navigating it as a couple most certainly places tremendous strain on a relationship.   I have been divorced for many years and was not in a relationship when Sam died.   
In this episode, I discuss some of the potential benefits and drawbacks in dealing with Sam's death without a partner and why being alone during this time, (while sounding lonely and frightening),  has worked for me.

When we lose a child, we are confronted with how dark and tragic life can become in one moment of time, because we have lived through it.   The rest of the world knows this too, intellectually, but now that we have gone through the worst, it's hard to trust life again.    The fear of another phone call or knock on the door can be stifling.   
It's important to acknowledge and manage our fear of what lies ahead and also stand strong in our resilience at the same time and that is what today's episode is about.  

In this Episode I discuss why it's important to indentify our triggers,  the really simple way to do so,  and how to use this knowledge to help us in our grief.    
When we acknowledge that our triggers are very potent and continuously have to be monitored as we heal, we can tap into the power of calling them out as we grow stronger over time.
Thanks for listening.

This past week was a tough one for me.   Mother's Day, Sam's 26th birthday, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death.   
Unfortunately, we can't reset the clock when we lose a son or daughter.   We can't change the dates or the circumstances, and we can't avoid dealing with difficult reminders such as birthdays, the date of their death, and other celebrations such as Mother's and Father's day.   
In this  episode, I discuss my feelings about the week, my gratitude for Mother's Day,  and how I unconsciously tried to avoid thinking about the things that were bothering me until I was forced to, if only to release this episode.   
Thanks for listening.

Losing a child not only destroys our own world but it's very upsetting to those who love and care about us as well.   They often try to say and do things to help us out of our blinding pain.  To this day, I have so much appreciation for everyone who showed up for me and my family when Sam died.   I also understand that as humans, we show up for the people we love in the best way we know how. 
Unfortunately, there is very little people can say to help us during this time and sometimes, they end up saying things that are actually hurtful.   
When Sam died, there were things said to me didn't make sense or feel good to hear, even though delivered in good faith and with love, and that is what this episode is about.   
Today, I discuss 5 things that were said to me, each at least a couple of times when Sam died, and why they didn't feel helpful.  I also talk about a few of the ways that people showed up for me that did help very much.   
Thank you for listening.

I feel better than I have in nearly 2 1/2 years.   It's almost difficult to admit because I know I could easily step into another grief crevasse when I least expect it.    However,  it's very clear to me, at this point, that I will be okay.  In spite of the agony I feel on a daily basis, I am also aware how far I have come. 
In today's episode, I discuss 6 ways that I have seen my grief evolve and transform since Sam's death and why I think it's important that we acknowledge and appreciate our growth.

One of my biggest struggles in grief is my intrusive thinking.   I have largely been unable to untangle my grief over losing Sam and my own thoughts of self-blame.    The problem with this mindset is that it is unreasonable and it also challenges our healing.
Today's episode is about my experience with intrusive thinking, 3 reasons I believe it is destructive and unproductive,  and how I have recently learned to stop my intrusive thoughts before they take my time and energy and pull me down.
Thank you for listening.
 

We cannot tolerate our city officials simply giving up a certain demographic of it's population.   Mayor Perris of Lancaster, CA,  stated, in front of the city council, that perhaps the answer to the city's homeless crisis is to give them all fentanyl.    A big Purge.   He is talking about humans.
Is an actual mayor of a city suggesting that people like my son don't deserve to live?    We cannot tolerate this ignorance in the people we elect.   He needs to step down.   
I know the water around him is getting hotter but let's get it boiling.  Please pass this information on to anyone who has the power to vote in the recall efforts.    
Every city deserves better than this.   We need officials who care, not ones who hold disdain for our hurting people.     Hold Mayor Rex Perris accountable and remove him from office.   It's the only answer.