Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

When Sam died, I felt no hope and no joy.  I felt like my life was largely over because I couldn't see past my pain.   
Hope is a complex topic when talking about losing a child.   Just What exactly are we hoping for?    How can hope make this better?   For a long time, I couldn't see it or imagine it but now,  I am finding it again. 
Today, I feel more hope and joy than I have since I lost my boy, nearly 2 1/2 years ago,  and I hope that this week's short episode of reaching a place I never thought I would be again inspires other grieving parents that they can feel better in time as well, if they are willing to take the necessary steps to do so.
Thank you for Listening 
 

One of the biggest burdens I was left with when Sam died is guilt.  When we hold onto guilt for a situation we can not/could not solve, it's unreasonable and can also harm our healing.
In this Episode, I discuss why we need to challenge our guilt and rumination with reason and logic by talking about 4 ways/reasons that guilt can harm our healing and why it doesn't make sense to accept it.   I also discuss 4 ways that I have discovered I can help myself when guilty feelings take over again.    
Fortunately, if we take the right actions, we can confront our guilt, lessen it to a great degree, and perhaps one day even move past it.  Thanks for listening.     

When I lost Sam, I was determined to live through my grief the way I needed to and also that I would never go back and judge myself for it.   I stand by that today.   Recently, however, I was asked what advice I would give myself if I could talk to the back then.   
In today's episode, I share 6 pieces of advice I would lovingly pass back to myself and anyone else who asked.   

I watched a special on the Vietnam War recently and I was struck by the similarities between those parents, the ones whose kids were sent to fight the war, and us, whose kids fought the war here at home.   (The war on drugs.)   This episode is about those similarities.   
Time doesn't heal all wounds, it doesn't even come close.   What time does is dull the intensity for those further removed while living on forever in those of us up close.   Before losing Sam, I had no idea how many people are so deeply affected by grief, now I see it everywhere. 
The many past generations of unresolved pain, especially that of losing a son or a daughter,  is something that I have never considered until now, because I didn't have to.   I used to feel removed from mom's of the past but this one singular thread, losing a child, weaves us together through all time.
Specifics don't matter when you watch your child live a life of danger that you have no control over and no ability to stop.  Unfortunately, epidemics and wartimes have negatively impacted the lives of parents and future generations since the beginning of time.
Thanks for listening.

In today's episode,  I am discussing losing my dog Luna and why I think my experience was different because of Sam.   
Sam's death was so painful and unbearable that I was convinced I would never feel grief again like I had in the past.   I believed that my son's death would put everything else into perspective and nothing else would matter, baring the worst, and I could not have been more wrong.  
Luna's death not only shook me to my core and put me into a tail spin, it opened my eyes to some new aspects of grief.    Every relationship in life ends at some point but I was not ready or prepared for how difficult it would be to say goodbye to my sweet girl and number one supporter through my darkest days.

Nearly 2 1/2 years after losing Sam, my life got completely out of balance and my grief took a huge hit.    In today's episode, I talk about my grief spiral, what caused it, and what I have re-discovered about the importance of keeping balance in my life.     I share what balance looks like in my own life and encourage you to create and commit to your own idea of balance.   
I also discuss how I handled my own spiral and why I believe that our connections with the right people can help pull us back up to the surface during the times that our lives become out of balance and we face plant back into our heaviest grief.   
 
 
 

Moving forward after losing Sam feels impossible at times but it's the choice I remain committed to, even on my darkest days.   There is no easy choice or path after losing a son or daughter but at some point, and the timeline will vary widely between us, we each have a choice to move forward towards healing or stay stuck in our grief.    
In this episode, I bring in a concept I heard on another podcast (The Ramsey Show), and I talk about 4 ways that moving forward after losing Sam have been been hard for me but why I believe it's crucial to stay the course.  I also discuss 4 ways that the choice NOT to take the steps we need to heal will be detrimental for us in all aspects of our life and why we need to look at healing as a new skill, not something we wait until we feel like doing.    

This year, for the first time in my life, I have made the decision not to spend any money for Christmas.  In today's episode, I talk about how grief has changed my willingness to participate in a tradition that typically has me spending more money than I should.
Losing a child is a stark reminder of what money can and cannot do for us.  I know for sure that we can't buy our way into happiness or out of grief and for that reason, the chaotic shopping pace around me feels disconnected from my new reality.    
This is a season where consumer debt and overspending will cause anxiety and grief for millions in the months to come and this year, I am choosing to ditch the heavy traffic, long shopping lines, and financial regret of buying things my kids don't need with money I don't necessarily have to spend. 
Grieving parents and their families go through hell during the holidays and I believe that we should all be encouraged to make the choices that make sense for our family, regardless of longstanding family and societal expectations.  
 
 

Thanksgiving is a difficult time for grieving parents and families and in today's episode, I discuss how gratitude has helped me through my grief.  It sounds insane to search for gratitude after losing a son but I have found it to be a grounding source in my life.    
Feeling gratitude doesn't have to mean that we accept what has happened, it means that in spite of what happened, we are making the choice to search outside of our grief for some kind of light.   In spite of the unfathomable pain we live with, there is still the glow of love and support that surrounds us, if we choose to see it.
When Sam died, I didn't think I would ever feel better again and if I had relied on time alone, I still don't think I would.   However, holding onto gratitude for all that Sam's life gave me and for all the love, support, and kindness that has been shown to me after he died is what keeps me moving forward today.
Happy Thanksgiving.  I am grateful for any life I manage to touch by talking about Sam.

Anniversaries bring big feelings and now,  two years since Sam's death, I have found myself falling back into old patterns of avoidance.   
This time, however, I am finding my stress and anxiety lie more in my avoidance tactics and how they are impacting my life than in facing and dealing with the same pain I have lived with for two years now.  
In this episode, I discuss two of my biggest negative coping mechanisms,  over-sleeping and constant podcasts listening, are impacting the quality my life, and why I am finding that looking directly at my grief is more healthy and at this point, and even easier, than avoiding it.